The Ghost Shit
The kind where you feel shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the bowl.
The Clean Shit
The kind where you shit it out, see shit in the bowl but there is no shit on the toilet paper.
The Wet Shit
The kind where you wipe your ass 50 times and it still feels unwiped so you have to put toilet paper between your ass and you underwear so you don't ruin your underwear with those dreadful skidmarks.
The Second Wave Shit
This shit usually happens when you're done shitting. You pull your pants up to your knees and realize you have to shit some more.
The Brain Hemmorrhage Through Your Nose Shit
The kind of shit where you strain so much you practically have a stroke.
The Richard Simmons Shit
The kind where you shit so much you lose 30 pounds.
The Corn Shit
No explanation necessary.
The Lincoln Log Shit
The kind of shit that is so huge that you are afraid to flush the toilet without first breaking the shit into little pieces with your toilet brush.
The Notorious Drinker's Shit
This is the kind of shit you have in the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most notable trait is the tread marks left on the bottom of the toilet bowl.
The "Gee I Wish I Could Shit," Shit
The kind where you want to shit but all you can do is sit on the toilet bowl cramped and farting a few times.
The Mexican Food Shit
A class of shit all its own.
The Power Dump
This is the kind that comes out your ass so fast that your ass cheeks get splashed with toilet water.
The Liquid Shit
The kind of shit where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your ass and splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, while the whole time burning your tender asshole.
The Liquid Plummer Shit
The kind of shit that is so big when you flush the toilet it plugs up and you end up with shit all over the floor. (You should've followed the advice from The LINCOLN LOG SHIT)
The Spinal Tap Shit
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out that you swear it must be coming out sideways.
The "I Think I'm Giving Birth Through My Asshole" Shit
Similar to Lincoln Log and Spinal Tap shit. The shape of the turd seems to resemble a beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
The Silly String Shit
The type of shit that is real thin; kinda like spaghetti, but just keeps coming out with little bubbly farts and squirts of liquid shit. You have two choices with this shit: a) flush and keep going, or b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
The "I'm Going To Start Chewing On My Food Better" Shit
This is when those Doritos you ate before bed last night scrape your asshole until it bleeds.
The William L. Dexter Shit
This type of shit is usually observed audibly in the stall next to you. It seems the person's intestines are pressurized to 100 p.s.i. When it finally pops, look out! It's a peculiar mixture of shit, water and air. This is also the kind for someone to pull the fire alarm because the smell can choke someone.
The Explosive Shit
This type of shit explodes out like a flame-thrower when you are in a MAJOR rush and the adrenalin hormone in your blood increases your thrusting power by a factor of 10. This produces a major mess not only around the bowl and the back wall but also leaves you with a very messy ass which will take you about 20 mins to clean up. I suggest you take your towel next time.
The "Am I Turning Into A Rabbit" Shit
The kind when you drop those little round ones that look like marbles and make little splashing sounds when they hit the water. It also leaves you with an ass to towel up after you're done.
The "Did I Eat Beets Or Do I Have Rectal Cancer" ShitSelf explanatory but if you are in doubt visit your doctor.
The St. Pius ShitYou have to hold in your shit all day because the stalls are damaged, smelly, or very few. By the end of the day, your shit will become so hard, that it will probably take a good half-an-hour to clear out your internals.
The "What The Hell Died In Here" Shit
This is sometimes also referred to as the TOXIC DUMP. Of course you don't warn anyone of the obnoxious bathroom odor. Instead, you stand near the door and watch their faces as they come our gasping and gagging for air. This is also the kind that can quickly trigger the gas alarm detector.
The "I Just Know There Is A Turd Dangling There" Shit
This is when you just sit and wait for that last cling-on to drop off, because if you were to wipe it now, it's gonna be rather messy.
The "I Wish I Had Pepto Bismol" Shit
This kind is experienced when you have a major tummy ache or a tummy hernia. The shit that comes out is torture to your tummy and will refrain you from continuing to shit but in turn there is a major drawback which sooner or later will cause a major shit build-up and you will undoubtedly suffer because that is when POWER DUMP begins.
Cloudy Shit
A type of shit that erodes the lining of your asshole that is usually hard, dark, black, corny, and full of mounds of those chips ahoy whatchamacallits and floats merrily like a log in the bowl.
The Homemade Pudding
This occurs when you ate something that bothered your tummy and didn't digest very well. It comes out like slime or pudding, as what the title calls it. It seems to float on water because shit has a lower density than water. After a while, it builds up into a mound (with more chins then a Hong Kong phone book) so you either have to flush frequently or let it melt down in the water. Be careful though because this clogs toilets a lot!
The "I Shouldn't Have Eaten Chinese Food Last Night Shit
This type is when you have just ordered take- out at a Chinese restaurant. You will never experience a shit smoother then this. BUT, you will notice that it is covered in grease, egg rolled and accompanied by fortune cookie paper so you don't have to wipe your ass. Don't forget that there will be a grease build up at the lining of your asshole. The only way to remove this is with lemon oil.
The Dusty Shit
This is sometimes the result, after a while, of the CLEAN SHIT. You fart and shit particles are released in the air. You'll notice that people around you have probably been knocked unconscious due to the acrid odor. And you'll maybe even be sued for polluting the air by releasing toxins and causing lung cancer.
The Hairy Shit
For those hairy people who have a hairy ass. The shit that comes out is great but later on when you take a shower and you shampoo your ass, your hand becomes all browned because of the build-up.
The Blasted Shit
Any type of shit is like this but if a person tries to piss and shit at the same time, the shit ends up being blasted into little tiny chunks by the piss and may bounce and stain the bottom of the bowl.
The Upcoming Shit
This is the type when someone has shitted all over the rim and you REALLY must dump your monthly accumulation. You try to hover over the bowl but the splashing stains your ass just as bad or even worse then sitting on the shitty bowl. Also, when your toilet is plugged up and you have a plunger in the hole, you hump it a couple times and the moment you take off the plunger, all the shit stuck in the hole will come flying up at you. I suggest not looking at the shit, ever!
The Coil Shit
This type when you let a Richard Simmons Shit real quick, causing it to coil like a spring. That's great to watch but by the coiling action of the shit coming outta your asshole, it leaves you with quite a mess to wipe up.
The Chili Shit
Something that is hot and loaded with beans.
The Scentless Shit
This is the type when you definitely know that your shit did not smell. But the next time you fart it'll be HOLY! Something enough to give someone a stroke, a swollen nose, red-eyes, and probably many more oxygen deficiency syndromes!
The Hot Shit
This type, when spurted out, leaves behind a burning sensation at the cavity of your asshole. Surely you try to shit REAL fast and this causes friction thus eroding your nice crinkles.
